Monty Python’s Holy Grail scene: “Bring out your dead!”

Now, you might ask yourself, “why would anyone want to do that?”

Go ahead, ask. The answer is, Spam is fun! It might not taste very good, but if you approach Spam comments with the right attitude, they are deliciously entertaining.

So why shouldn’t we writers have a little fun with Spam, hold a silly competition, and revel in creative tomfoolery?

EVERYONE can play — even our judges!

• Add your entry right here on this page in the Comments section. 
• Use your real name or a brilliant fake name (your real email, tho, please!)
• Link to anything you own — your blog, website, or book
• Bring us real spam, create your own, or improvise
• Add another spammy link in your Spam comment entry if you want to
• Enter once, twice — up to five entries per player
• Comment on other’s players’ Spam if you want to. Snarky is fine!
• Some of our regular Contest Rules may also apply.

We have a mystery judge and special prizes

No need for anonymity. My mystery judge doesn’t know any of you. He’s a talented writer of poems and short fiction, a hard-nosed critic, and a ruthless editor with a laser eye. And none of you have ever dealt with him professionally. He will bring a wonderful impartiality to judging your spamtastic entries.

I’ll have CASH and Sponsor’s prizes during the contest, prizes at the end, and bonus prizes right away.*

* If you’re a SoWrite site subscriber, watch your email for special super-secret spam bonus prize info. If you’re not signed up, you can use the blue form at the end of this post — or just ignore the bonus stuff.

Check my Twitter Feed, too, for possible bonus prize chances. I might think of something cool.

“But wait,” you say, “how can anyone judge Spam, or offer prizes for it?”

Have you read The Ancient and Honorable Art of Spam, by gamerGirrl69@wahoo.biz? Of course you haven’t, it was deleted!  Anyway, there is no “art” of Spam. No one way to get it “right” (so to speak).

So what makes a great Spam comment?

• Poor or horrendous sentence structure
• Made-up, inappropriate, or misspelled words
• Misused or missing punctuation
• Incredible topic-shifts or wildly irrelevant information
• Accidental use of foreign words
• Links with dubious display-link-text like “bestbuynowGucciwatches” (DON’T click that!!)
• Adorable sucking-up compliments to the site’s host (yes, please!)

I’ll leave a real sample Spam comment as the first comment on this post, just so you can see what I’m talking about here. Check your site’s Spam folder for inspiration. Or write your own, plugging your site with delightful abandon. Short and sweet, or long and weird — whatever best expresses your personal strange brand of creativity will be fine.

So, friends, here’s your chance to let your Spam Flag fly. Won’t cost you a nickel. Might win you some cash! Add your entry or entries to Comments, just below.

Bring out yer Spam!

Please give your love and affection to our wonderful site and contest sponsors:

»Link to YouTube image:  Monty Python

Questions? Add them here in Comments, or contact me by email or social buttons. Want to help us rev up this silly competition? Please give this contest a Share or a Tweet. Thanks!

Layla giving us “the look”

You might think it’s Tamiflu® or Theraflu® or maybe honey and whiskey (tea?). My wife’s doctor recommended cough medicine plus Tylenol®. (What’s with all the T-medicines, anyway?) Each of those products may be fine for treating the symptoms.

What about a cure for the flu?

Turns out, the vaccine only works in advance; so that’s not much help once your have the flue. From what I’ve seen this year, the best medicine for the flu is … laughter. That’s right — laughter.

Let’s face it, suffering with the flu is depressing. There’s all that coughing, sneezing and congestion. Add in the muscle aches and chills, and you’ve got a real downer on your hands.

Back in February, we were in the middle of a bona fide flu epidemic. It was all the rage on every newscast, with well over 2,000 confirmed cases at one point. And that’s just the people who bothered seeking medical treatment.

Right at the height of it all, my wife was about as sick as I’d ever seen her. She was hacking so hard our china plates shook, and then falling asleep sitting up. Lucky for me, I never get the flu.

Except when I did — about one week later.

The timing was terrible. I was writing on a deadline. Past the deadline, in fact. I needed a cure, and quickly.

The weather only made it worse. We’d had one gorgeous sunny day the previous weekend. I had wistful thoughts of an early spring. Then the snow clouds rolled back in, and the temperatures plunged into the teens. Whenever I went outside to sneak a cigarette (yeah, I know…) the cold shot right through my Admiral Byrd parka and into my bones. It was wall-to-wall misery.

I remember trying to write my assignment — a tricky little piece about washing machine repair, I think. I couldn’t focus my bleary eyes on the tiny print in my publisher’s outline page. Hell, I couldn’t hold two complete thoughts in my brain at the same time. My fingers hurt. When I tried to sit down for more than five minutes, my back and legs ached. After ten minutes, my eyes would start to close on their own.

Beside me on the couch, my wife would wake up periodically to enjoy a coughing fit and empty a box of Kleenex. We were a delightful couple that day. Then something magical happened.

Suddenly, we were both laughing. It was real, belly-clearing laughter. We were both looking at the dog, who might or might not have also had the flu.

Maybe you can picture this. She is Layla, our spoiled-rotten house dog. She’s a subtle mix of tawny back and white belly, part Lab, part Husky, part who-knows, and about the size and shape of a coyote. I’m only slightly ashamed to admit, she’s allowed on the furniture.

So there she was, just across the room, upside-down in her comfy chair. (Yes, it’s become “her chair”.) Her legs were splayed and pointed at the ceiling, tail draped over one arm of the chair, and her head hung off the front. Her jowls were slack and her jaw half-open. Her eyes were blissfully closed.

She was entirely at peace in her shameless display of bare doggie belly, utterly vulnerable. At the sound of our laughter, she eased one eye open (the blue one, not the brown one) and looked at us as if to say, what??.

My wife and I both laughed even harder.

Is there any real curative magic in laughter? A little, perhaps. Not enough to cure the flu, but enough for a moment’s respite.

For a few minutes there, between clogged sinuses and burred vision, we both felt hope.

The hope of spring’s eternal promise. The hope of warmer days and healing sunshine. The hope of a new day and our renewed vigor…

Well, something like that, anyway.

The dog righted herself abruptly, restoring her dignity with a brisk shake of her head, ears flapping dramatically. She cast one doleful eye upon each of us, blue for me and brown for my wife. With a powerful sigh, she tucked her snout into the crook of her hind leg and returned to slumber.

On that cue, my wife laid her head on her left shoulder, drew her lap blanket closer, and closed her eyes. I jumped from my chair, trying to hold back an impending gusher of nasal discharge, and raced to the bathroom for a tissue. A sudden coughing fit followed me there. I quickly downed a dose of cloying cough medicine and threw back a pair of Tylenol caplets for good measure.

I finished that article eventually, though I don’t remember much of what I wrote. I’m only sure because the payment is still listed right there in my PayPal account. Not long after that, my wife and I began to recover. I can’t say for sure if our laughter at the innocent antics of our beloved dog helped us get better.

But it didn’t hurt. Well, maybe just a little on my ribs.

  Did you or your significant other suffer the perils of this past season’s flu epidemic? What was your best medicine? Did you miss any deadlines?

Dawn’s contest Winner’s badge

– We had so many great entries!

Before we get to the other finalists, let’s have a look at Dawn’s winning “Best Opening Paragraph.” Here’s what she wrote:

I made the mess myself. I couldn’t say no. I almost felt like it was an obligation. The only problem was, I didn’t know where the obligation to them stopped and to myself began. Now this is what is left. They shredded me to bits, parts of me were scattered around the world, parts of me I once liked and parts of me I now loathe. My only wish, most of the time, was to be left alone, to wallow in my own pain and self-pity or to disintegrate into the cold, dark confines of a shallow grave. I got my wish I suppose, but she gave me hope, a hope I don’t remember ever having before. That hope, the hope she gave me, the recipe of which should be tucked in an old wooden box and placed high atop a shelf for posterity’s sake, that’s the hope that helped me survive the end of my life.

Dawn’s submission was our panel of judges’ unanimous choice for First Place. Congratulations, Dawn, and thank you very much for your entry.

Our SECOND PRIZE,  $20 cash, goes to Anne Parfitt-Rogers

Here’s how Anne’s mysterious entry began:

The faintest glint of moonlight shone through the open door, illuminating the body lying motionless on the carpet. Ballantyne peered down at the dead man, taking note of the trail of blood emanating from the wound penetrating deep within his abdomen. Funny, he could have sworn … (read the rest)

Congratulations on a very close race, Anne!

We have more prizes, too, for our March contest:

THIRD PRIZE: Your choice of free e-book courtesy of Rocking Horse Publishing goes to Gerald Dlubala for “Janey walked up…” (click here to read the whole entry) The battle for these final three places was a very close one, hotly-argued among our four judges. Congratulations, Gerald!

FOURTH PLACE, One free digital copy of The Fires of Waterland by Raymond Alexander Kukkee, will be awarded to Mary Horner, the author of “Terry Jake didn’t…“  (click here to read the entire entry) I just heard from Mary, and have edited this announcement to include her name. (Thanks, Mary!)

FIFTH PLACE, One free digital copy of The View from Above by Gary Ponzo (a SoWrite Editor’s Pick anthology), will be awarded to Kerry Wood. His entry began “My cousins said…” (click here to read the rest of Kerry’s entry)  I’ll be in touch with the details, Kerry.

Our $10 BONUS PRIZE, awarded at random to one non-finalist, is awarded to Olivia Bredbenner, for her entry “She stood on…“ (click here to read Olivia’s entry) This is my heartfelt “thank you for entering” prize, just for the fun of it.

IN ADDITION, Carolyn Varvel will shortly contact two of our contestants with an invitation for possible publication courtesy of WormholeElectric.com. I’ll send those two invitations, folks, so please check your email inboxes later today.

All cash prizes will be awarded by midnight tonight. 

 Congrats to all finalists and thank you to all entrants!

Please extend a warm round of applause to this round’s wonderful panel of four judges:

Special thanks to our site and contest sponsors:

»Award badge graphic by:  Jim Bessey

Did you miss your chance to enter our merged March writing contest? Use the sign-up form below to make sure you are notified when our next competition begins.

Our new contest Winner’s badge!

– So, bigger and better prizes for everyone!

Welcome to our February/March Writing Contest –

“Best Opening Paragraph”

FIRST PRIZE:  $30 cash (minimum)

SECOND PRIZE;  $20 cash

THIRD PRIZE: Free e-book from Rocking Horse Publishing (new site sponsor!)

Even more prizes will be awarded: 

• Possible publication with WormholeElectric.com — open to all, by invitation

• $10 “thank you” prize for one non-finalist, chosen at random

• One free digital copy of The Fires of Waterland by Raymond Alexander Kukkee

• One free digital copy of The View from Above by Gary Ponzo (a SoWrite Editor’s Pick anthology)

 Here’s how you enter:

Hi friends – we’re now past Deadline for this contest. Feel free to comment on entries, if you like!

Entry is free for SoWrite subscribers. All you need is one great opening paragraph — brand new, or from one of your previously-published works. (You gotta own it. Play nice!) WORD LIMIT: about 200 words, give or take.

Want to enter more than one paragraph? You can submit one additional entry (see below).

I’ll add 50% of every extra-entry fee to the initial $30 first-place prize pot. 

ENTRY DEADLINE: Saturday, March 16 at 11:59 am EST. Judging begins immediately after that.

Our contest winner and finalists will be announced by Monday evening.

SoWrite’s judges will use two simple criteria to compare the entries:

• Basic writing skill
• Originality and creativity

I hope you’ll join us, and maybe win some cash!

CLICK HERE to enter – FREE for SoWrite subscribers (see sign-up form, below)

Find the password:   [Subscribers, check your email]

You may submit up to ONE more entry: keep reading…

Help us grow the January cash prize — 50% of every extra entry will increase the prize jackpot. 

If you would like to add one more entry, or if you prefer not to Subscribe to Updates, use this $1 entry fee button. Please be sure to read the Thank You page!

$1 for ONE EXTRA ENTRY via PayPal:

SECURE PAYMENT INFORMATION:

When you click the Pay Now button, you will be directed to PayPal’s secure payments processing page for SoWrite.Us.com.  Payments made in error will be cheerfully refunded upon request.

Special thanks to our site and contest sponsors:

»Award badge graphic by:  Jim Bessey

Will you please help with contest promotion? Use the Social buttons below to help us continue running these writing competitions.

“All I can say is the sex is graphic and so is the language, but I hope it’s not vulgar.”

»Q Let’s begin with a little about you. You’re living in Martock, England, correct?

Yes, down in Somerset.

»Q  Does that make you a city girl? Country? Pretend I’m clueless, which I am!

Country through and through, although I have moved around a fair bit.

»Q  But always in England?

No, I was born in Oman, moved to England in 1989, lived in Scotland from 1990 – 1993 ish, then back to England. I grew up on the Nottingham / Lincoln border, moved to Lincoln city in 2001, and moved to Somerset in 2003. Then we moved to Jersey in the Channel Islands in 2006 before moving to Martock in 2008.

»Q  Wow, fantastic, I’m glad I asked!

I like to travel. (big smile)

»Q  I can only imagine your lovely accent. We were going to do a recorded interview. Tell me what happened to your laptop?

(laughing) I turned my back for five minutes on my four-year old son and eighteen-month old puppy. I still don’t know what happened, but my poor laptop ended up on the floor with a smashed screen. Thank God for home insurance.

»Q  I hope you didn’t lose anything valuable — your next novel, for instance?

No, thankfully that’s on a pen drive!

»Q  Whew! We should talk about your current release, Seven Dirty Words – is this your first novel?

It’s my first traditional print novel, but I have self-published a little murder mystery, and I do have an unpublished novel sitting  on my PC.

»Q  I’ll certainly have to pick up your mystery — I love those! Now, I’m a regular guy, football and NASCAR. Will SDW still appeal to me? Who do you see as your typical or ideal reader?

Hmm… It’s more aimed at women who enjoy raunchy romances. Although I do know a couple of men who have read it and enjoyed it.

»Q  Yes! That’s exactly what I wondered. Any comparisons being made to the infamous 50 Shades?

Oh yes. It’s the same genre, so I’ve had lots of people comparing it to 50 Shades. It’s not the same though – no BDSM in this book.

»Q  Can you point to any one inspiration for this book? Was it already written before “50″ was released?

Credit where credit is due – I read 50 Shades and thought I’d try my hand at romance. SDW wasn’t the book I wrote though. I wrote one called April’s Baby. While I was waiting for agents to get back to me, I wrote SDW.

»Q  Thanks, inspiration comes when it does, doesn’t it? Will you also release April’s Baby, then?

It needs serious editing, but hopefully one day. I’m trying to write SDW‘s sequel, Four Letter Words, at the moment though.

»Q  Well, great! You signed with Robin Tidwell at Rocking Horse Publishing, a small press. I know you had at least one other offer. So, why RHP? And, are you encouraged by early sales figures?

Business is business, and Robin offered me the best deal. Yes, sales seem to be going quite well at the moment, although I haven’t seen the actual figures yet.

Don’t worry, we’re almost to the sexy part…

»Q  Fair enough. Let’s talk about your cover. The girl looks damaged. What can you tell me about that? What sort of story is this?

Paige Holmes is overcoming a traumatic experience and the story is about her finding her strength again. She hides herself in a masculine world, playing rugby, living with her brother and working for a mechanic. I guess you could say she is damaged – physically and emotionally.

»Q  What is the best emotion you might hope for in your readers, when they reach the final page? Relief? Excitement? Sadness? (No need to spoil the ending, of course!)

Ooh I don’t know! The end of the book is conflicted. She’s made her decision, but there’s still a long way to go.

»Q  So that leads us to the sequel, then. Do you believe you’ve created a good Series character, or will two books tell the story?

The story ends in the second book.

“SDW is full of bad language and sex”

»Q  Do you think readers will be happy with Paige’s choices? Is she lovable?

I’ve been told she’s stubborn. But once you find out her story, you realize why. I hope my readers are able to sympathize with her. Her choices aren’t the best, but they make sense.

»Q  That sounds intriguing! Back to YOU for a bit. Is there one author whose style you love, who strongly influences your writing and your stories?

Not really. I have a varied bookcase! With crime and murder mysteries I read a lot of Tami Hoag, Tess Gerritssen and Harlan Coben.

»Q  OK, then, is there one — when his or her new novel comes out — you just have to have it, right away? (Lee Child for me, for instance)

Tami Hoag. I have almost all of hers.

»Q  Are you a full-time writer?

In a sense. I write for a content website, doing a lot of editing and fact checking. But that’s been pushed to one side while I finished SDW. I also have two young children.

»Q  Do you write with the kids nearby, or do you have to find private time?

I used to, then my daughter learnt to read. SDW is full of bad language and sex, so I’ve had to write it while they’re at school or asleep.

»Q  (laughing) Understood! Is there someone else in your family with whom you’ve been able to share your work-in-progress? Or a close friend? Someone whose feedback you value and trust?

Poor suffering husband gets snippets, but I usually send chapters to my two best-friends for feedback. They’re brutally honest. I also read chapters at my local creative writers group. I trust them to tell me where I need to edit. Although I joined after SDW was written.

»Q  Sounds about perfect, Charlotte. It’s good to have TWO friends, so you can check their opinions with each other. Is this the genre where you hope to find a home? After the sequel, will you continue in the same vein?

I don’t know. My heart lies with crime and murder mysteries, and I’d like to revisit that at some point. But I do have other contemporary romance ideas.

»Q  Do you expect to release a crime/murder mystery at some point in the near future? Is that what’s lying in wait on your hard drive?

I think I have a couple more romances in me yet. Perhaps within the next five years.

»Q  So, how old will your daughter be before she will be allowed to read SDW? How sternly would you word the content Warning?

My husband would say 30. Legally I have to say 18 I think. But the truth is I was reading books by Jilly Cooper and Jackie Collins at 15.

»Q  (laughing) It was Harold Robbins for me at 14 yrs old!

 (laughing) All I can say is the sex is graphic and so is the language, but I hope it’s not vulgar.

»Q  I’d imagine that “vulgar” varies from reader to reader. What would you say to convince a potential reader that SDW is something they might love? Give us the blurb?

It’s a story about making the decision between safe and dangerous. She wants to be strong and independent,  and only one will let her be those things. We’ve all been attracted to someone our friends and family disapprove of!

It’s like choosing between sexy stilettos and comfy slippers.

»Q  Great answer, Charlotte! Thanks so much for taking the time to talk with me about Seven Dirty Words.

You’re welcome, Jim. And thank you, too. I also want to thank Robin for taking a chance on me!

»Robin replies: “We’re absolutely thrilled to have Charlotte as our first author, and very excited about the potential for her book.”

 ~ * ~

Find out more about Charlotte at her website. Have a closer look at her book on Rocking Horse Publishing.

How does Charlotte’s novel sound to you? Ladies, are you okay with “raunchy”? Guys, are you willing to give Seven Dirty Words a look?